Cow Wars
by Lex for President
Summary: After a fight between Lex and Jonathan, Lex steals the Kents' cows.


A business deal between Lex and Jonathan :

Lex : Please except my offer to save your farm.

Jonathan: Listen to me for the hundredth time! I don't want help from a Luthor!

Lex: Is that an insult?

Jonathan: Indeed it is, but you snobs know all about that don't you.

Lex: I'm trying to help for the good of your son.

Jonathan: My son and I don't need help from a rich bald man!

Lex: I cannot believe my ears! You know I'm a powerful man, I can and will hire someone to steal your cows and sell them on E-Bay!

Jonathan: My wife knows Kung Fu and I am not afraid to use her!

Martha enters after listening to the conversation.

Lex: What do you want old lady?

Martha: Shut up, Lex! Jonathan you are in big trouble for using me as a threat! Especially, since I don't know Kung Fu.

Lex: Is that so? Bob, deal with them!

Lex pulls up a chair and Bob, his bodyguard, comes out of a dark corner and beats Jonathan senselessly.

Martha: Nooo! I can't run the farm by myself! RELEASE HIM!

Martha grabs Lex's neck and begins to choke him. Then Superman enters the room.

Jonathan: Clark, what the heck are you doing?

Clark: I figured these colorful tights would get your attention and it matches my eyes. Mom, release him!

After everybody gets bandages except for Clark, Clark yells at Lex.

Clark: Lex, I'm never talking to you again!

Lex: Farm freaks, kiss your cows good bye!

Back at the farm 8:00 P.M:

Jonathan: Clark go outside and protect the cows.

Clark: Ok. You don't think that Lex would…

Jonathan: Son don't under estimate a Luthor.

Clark: I'm off to battle.

Martha: Clark, don't be so over dramatic.

Clark marches out in a military outfit and a toy gun.

Clark: Ok, cows forward march!

Then all of the sudden Bob comes and steals the cows, while Clark is playing poker with the pigs. The pigs don't play well so he goes to take a nap and when he wakes up the cows are gone.

Clark: Oh no! What am I going to do? I can't let Daddy know that Lex's goons stole the cows. I'll have to go get them myself!

Clark rushes off while humming the James Bond theme song. After looking for a long time he decides to go to the caves. When he arrives in the caves he goes up to one of the walls and puts his hand on it. Then the wall begins to open and Clark goes in to talk to Jor-El.

Jor-El: Hello, my son.

Clark: Hello, my father. I need help.

Jor-El: That's what I'm here for.

Clark: Good! I need help finding my cows.

Jor-El: WHAT! Is that what you came here for? Get out!

Clark: How about, if I fulfill my destiny, you help me with the cows?

Jor-El helps Clark find the cows. Clark arrives at a secret hideout, with a moat around it and swims across the water and sees the cows.

Clark: What am I going to do? I can't get these cows across the water before my dad finds out!

Then Clark notices someone running and as Clark goes closer he sees David Hasselhaff .

Clark: Who are you?

David Hasselhaff: I'm David Hasselhaff. Don't you remember me? I was on the Spongebob Sqarepants movie. I can help.

Clark: Where's your boat?

David Hasselhaff: Ha ha ha ha!

David puts the cows on his back and speeds across the water.

Clark: What about me?

David Hasselhaff: You can swim.

After arriving home safely, Jonathan comes out of the house.

Jonathan: My shift. Pew you smell like moat water!

Later that night the field catches on fire and a kryptonion symbol is burned on the field.

Jor-El: My son it is time to fulfill your destiny.

Jonathan: CLARK!

Clark: Yes?

Jonathan: What did you do!

Clark: Uh well see…

Jonathan: Wait! Don't tell me you asked for his help.

Clark: Ok. I won't tell you.

Jor-El: Enough of talk it is time to fulfill your destiny.

Lois walks out of the house.

Lois: What the heck is going on? Is it to much to ask to keep it down?

Jor-El: Go away foolish mortal.

Lois: Who said that?

Clark: The cows.

Jonathan: Clark, shut up! It was me.

Jor-El: This is your last warning, mortal. Go back in the house.

Clark: Lois, you better listen to Jor-El.

Lois: Who's Jor-El?

Clark: He's my real father.

Jonathan: He doesn't know what he is talking about. He's drunk.

Lois: Ok. Well keep him off the road.

Lois goes back into the house and Clark rushes off to the caves.

Jonathan: Come back!

Martha comes running out of the house.

Martha: What happened?

Jonathan: Clark went to the caves to fulfill his destiny.

Martha: WHAT? We have to go get him or I will have to do his chores!

Martha and Jonathan run off to the caves. Martha and Jonathan go inside the caves and see Clark getting ready to go in.

Jonathan: Don't go in Clark we need you.

Clark: Relax, Jor-el said, " there is a kitty inside there".

Jonathan: He is lying!

Jonathan grabs Clark to stop him and he gets blasted by Jor-El.

Jor-El: You can't stop him.

Martha: NOOO! I can't run the farm without him. Didn't he learn from last time. Wait a second I can make Lois work!

Jonathan: Jor-El you stupid computer, leave my son alone.

Jor-El: You stupid farmer, he can do whatever he wants.

Jonathan: Put them up, oh wait you can't.

Jor-El: Although I can't put my hands up, I can blast you.

Jonathan: You wouldn't do it twice.

Jonathan gets blasted across the room.

Clark: Stop! I just want my kitty.

Martha: If you come home I will give you a kitty.

Clark: Ok. Lets go home.

Jor-El: You can't escape your destiny.

Clark ignores Jor-El and goes home.

The End

Nobody was actually hurt in the making of this story.


End file.
